Suppressed

“Emotions aren’t good or bad. They just give you information.’

I heard this awhile ago, and I believed it. But I didn’t realize that I wasn’t living what I believed.

I’m a pretty chill person I would say. Typically it is difficult to get me riled up. I have come to be proud that I am not explosive or overly dramatic - I like that about myself. I’ve come to like it to the point that when I do feel emotional or angry, it is embarrassing, I feel like what I am doing is wrong, and I want to hide it. And I am good at that too! Maybe people around me are aware that something is going on, but stuffing emotions and hiding them, even from myself, is a specialty.

Something else I have heard: The opposite of love isn’t hate, its apathy.

I’ve read in history books and seen first hand the destructive nature of apathy I have held it in disdain, not realizing that my habit of stuffing emotions was exactly the same thing. I would rather distract myself from emotions and not feel them rather than letting them come into my life. Growing up has been a slow progression of recognizing that this isn’t something I have to do. Just because that is my natural inclination doesn’t mean it is right or irreversible. It’s not just ‘who I am.’ Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, it is possible to change.

So this last week when I was feeling frustrated, angry and hurt, I resolved to not push them aside, shrug them off, or joke them away. I just let myself feel them. And I accepted that I felt them. And I didn’t push them away. All day.

And then I got physically sick because of it.

...

...so maybe there is still some things I still need to learn about emotion and boundaries.

But overall, it was a neat experience to let myself feel rather than opting to feel nothing. If we are going to truly love, we will get hurt or sad in the process. Its nothing to feel embarrassed about or feel like it is something to repress. Feeling the sadness is evidence that we were happy and felt love at one point, and it can happen again.

I am slowly learning firsthand that vulnerability is a strength.