Friday morning around 3am I recognized that I was feeling some pretty good contractions. They were irregular and infrequent, so I tried to curb my hopeful excitement so I could relax and go back to sleep. But despite my efforts to keep it out of my mind, I found myself sabotaging my sleep by planning what I would do if I went into labor before going to work at LDS FS. For some reason the idea of having an opportunity to shirk responsibility and having a legit excuse brought out the adrenaline from my wild rebellious side that I was loathe to quench. How often in your life is there an exciting unpredictable event that is good enough to get you out of ANYTHING and no one can argue otherwise?
But, no labor. So I reluctantly held my rebellious side at bay as I dutifully walked to work.
At LDS FS, I felt absolutely nothing. I quietly resigned to the fact that this was probably not the day I would meet my daughter as I engrossed myself in work.
After LDS FS I walked home, had a quick lunch to hurry over to Nu Skin so I could busily sit and stare at the screen. This job has been nice because I have the freedom to stand and walk around at my leisure. Since work was scarce, I went to fill up my water, travelled to the guest bathrooms (SO nice!), and took the long route back to my desk (which may have included a lovely jaunt outside. It was a necessary detour). I was surprised to find that throughout the afternoon, my contractions had returned. Still irregular (some were about 15 minutes apart, and some were hours between) but they were strong enough that I would have to pause the work I was doing and concentrate on relaxing. Finally it was time to pick up Chris, so I carefully drove to BYU and promptly traded driver seats with him.
At home, I began having the contractions be more regular-about 15 minutes apart-while we prepared dinner. I was on my knees, leaning against the couch-a position I have found to be really comfortable for me last time I was feeling contractions in Vegas and during pregnancy in general. At one point I decided this may be real, and I needed to start my Hypnobabies scripts. I went to our room, closed the door, and relaxed as I listened to the script I was most familiar with. I've gotten much better about relaxing as I have practiced everyday. About 10 minutes into the script, I was seized upon by the strongest contraction I had felt up to that point. It completely took me by surprise, and I immediately crumpled into a fetal position and felt helpless and desperate for it to end. Once it slowly subsided, I solemnly acknowledged to myself, "soooo...that's why women get epidurals" and promptly went to Chris for comfort and support. I knew logically there wasn't much Chris could do to relieve the discomfort, but I instinctively gravitated to him nonetheless. As soon as I asked for his help, he put everything down and was at my side.
I had a few more contractions-more on the mild side compared to The Big One, and then they began being more irregular again. You would think I would be happy about this relief, but at this point I was ready to just get 'er done! I had worked through it most of the day and I wanted to move forward. Thankfully, after a walk and watching part of Spirited Away (around 9pm) they started coming more regularly. Chris turned on the scripts, but I found lying down and waiting around for a contraction to hit was almost too much on my nerves. Instead, I constantly changed positions and rooms, going from the bedroom to the bathroom, to the front doorway, restlessly trying to find a position with the most reprieve. Eventually I was out of energy, and I lied down to rest between contractions while Chris lied down beside me to help me relax when the contractions startled me out of rest. At this point, the contractions were a minute and a half apart and lasted 30-45 seconds (I didn't know this at the time, but Chris was keeping track for me).
At about 1am, Chris said we should probably head to the hospital. I slowly got up with Chris' help and started shuffling to the door. Chris started listing off the things we should probably grab before we left, but I had no idea what he said because I was already out the door and slouching my way down the stairs. He quickly grabbed some things before easily catching up with me on the way to the parking lot. At the car I lowered myself into the passenger seat while Chris apologized for not grabbing water for me. In response to his inquiry to whether he should run back to the apartment for it, all I could muster was, "Chris-drive!"
And then we were off to the hospital.
That has to be the number 1 most painful car ride, and that includes when I got whiplash on the Disneyland Indiana Jones ride. I was shaking uncontrollably, I couldn't change positions, and I could feel Every. Single. Bump. Thankfully, most of the lights were green. Once we stopped at a red light, and promptly told Chris to run it. Obediently, yet cautiously, Chris turned on the hazard lights and rolled into the intersection. :) the things husbands do for their laboring wives...
We got to the hospital and Chris parked right at the entrance for me. He ran around, helped me out of the car and stayed with me, despite leaving the car door open. When we got inside someone asked if I needed a wheelchair and I honestly answered, "I don't know." I think they grabbed one anyway, because when I had a contraction and held onto Chris, he slowly (and gratefully) lowered me into the chair. They wheeled me into the room and checked me-I was at 7cm! I was so glad! I had dreaded coming to the hospital and finding out after all I had been through I was only at a 3 and being sent home. I hung out on the birthing ball (so nice!) until Whitney-my cousin who is awesome and offered to be my doula-showed up (in the wee hours of the morning, bless her heart!)
From then on, mostly I remember Chris helping by breathing with me and Whitney held my hands so I would remember to keep them relaxed. I noticed it helped a lot when they would tell me which body part to relax, such as my eyebrows or my shoulders. Mostly what I remember from this time was feeling like I couldn't get enough air in, my shaking seemed to be out of control, and I just focused on getting through each contraction. I honestly don't know what I would have done without these two and their constant, tireless support!! It seemed to go on for quite awhile, which was strange, because transition shouldn't take that long... They checked me again, and even though I had been at 9 for awhile, I had a cervical lip that was preventing forward progress. So they had me try pushing as they worked on fixing the lip. Two words:ouchie waa-waa. After awhile they said my bag of water was bulging, and if I tried pushing I could probably break it and get things moving again. I was working on this when Chris' untimely bladder acted up and while in the bathroom, he completely missed the water shooting across the room. The poor guy totally missed out! :) They said things would pick up from that point on, and they saw that there was meconium in the amniotic fluid, so we knew they would need to take her quickly after being born to make sure she didn't aspirate any meconium. All this I remember through a dull haze, because I was beyond the point of opening my eyes or trying to make sense of what people were saying.
Then it was time to push for reals.
Only I unexpectedly didn't feel any urge to push. At all. I had heard the urge to push is so instinctive and almost a relief to push, but that was not my experience in the slightest. I started off pushing by pulling Whitney down as I mauled her in a side hug, but apparently that wasn't super effective and they had me grab my legs and hold my breath as they counted. Awful. I felt like I had no more energy to expend, and yet she didn't feel anywhere near entering the world. I was really wondering what would happen if I refused to push any more-could they get her some other way? Please? I didn't know I could feel so worn out and defeated.
But then, she was out! And I was so...tired! I expected that moment to be instantly rejuvenated at the sight of my little girl. They laid her on my stomach and I was barely able to open my eyes from exhaustion. The doctor handed Chris the scissors and he cut the cord, then they whisked her away to make sure she was alright.
I thought that would be the end of the pain. But I was yet again surprised. The shot of pitocin in the leg, the numbing shots for the stitches (3 first degree tears) and massaging the stomach... Wow. I'm amazed at my body's ability to endure pain. At this point all I wanted was to see my little girl. Chris was holding her, and he brought her close to the bed so I could see her. I finally looked over at my little girl, and instantly I noticed her chubby cheeks, her attentive eyes, her overactive tongue and her expressive little face. And I loved that cute little girl.
I knew an unmedicated labor would not be easy. It definitely tested me to my limits. And beyond. And I'll admit-several times throughout the experience, adoption sounded like the best idea anyone had ever thought of before. I promised myself I would never voluntarily put myself through such an ordeal again-pregnancy and labor are for masochists.
This is a video of Riley doing what she does best-sucking. She was voraciously hungry from the get go. And nothing has changed :)
It was amazing to go through all this insanity, and then see my little daughter and instantly come to the conclusion: It was all worth it.
"...I only said it would be worth it."
No comments:
Post a Comment