Saturday, November 14, 2015

Sick

We were so happy when Riley's fever broke on Wednesday that we thought that would be the end of her not feeling well.

Unfortunately, we were mistaken.



She hasn't been herself for the last two weeks. She'll seem like she is getting better, and then we will be hit with a day that she obviously doesn't feel well. When I came home from work last Saturday, she was crying hysterically and had one eye that could barely open because of how goopy it was. After much deliberation, we decided we would bring her to church the next day, but we wouldn't pass her around-we would just hold her.



On Sunday morning, Riley took an awesome nap. Typically she naps during sacrament, but this Sunday she was wide awake for sacrament meeting. Unexpectedly, she paid special attention to the people sitting next to us. She would sit and stare at them unashamedly. If that didn't get their attention soon enough for her, she would begin making little noises to make them look over at her. When they would look at her and smile, she would get the biggest, goofiest grin I have ever seen and wiggle with glee. She had never bid for attention before, let alone act so social! It was hilarious to watch. Needless to say, she made it quite difficult for me that day! People were asking to hold her left and right, and when I would mention that she was sick, they would look down at her and she would be grinning at them ear to ear. Thanks a lot, girl! :)

After Sunday, she steadily seemed to not feel well again, until Wednesday she was frequently crying in pain. I called the doctor to see what he would recommend, and they scheduled an appointment for me to come in. As I rocked her for hours on end that morning, I got through her heart-breaking cries by reminding myself that at 3pm the doctor would see her. I would then know why she was in pain and have medication, or at least have some idea how to give her greater comfort. It was my lifeline.


Three in the afternoon finally came, and I gratefully headed for the doctors. The doctors verdict, however, was unexpected. He said if I hadn't told him she wasn't feeling well, he would have never suspected she was sick. He assured me that it was nothing serious. And so I walked out of his office, relieved it wasn't anything serious, but I also unable to shake the feelings of dread and hopelessness. I still had no idea what I could do to help my little girl.


Thankfully, since Wednesday morning things have gotten better. She still isn't 100%, but she no longer cries in pain like she did before. I still look back on Wednesday in awe. I'm amazed at how deep my grief was for this little girl who is completely dependent on me and I felt powerless to help. It was a terrible feeling and I still feel my gut wrench when I think about it. I can't help but think how many times I will feel that feeling as a parent. Sometimes it won't be sickness; sometimes it will be poor choices she makes or I'll have to simply love her as she learns hard lessons in life. The price of the amazing love you feel for this little person is you are in for the lowest of lows, and you can't take it on for them. You can only watch and support from the sidelines.
This parenting gig is not for the faint of heart.


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